Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Surgery Prevents Sex Abuse of Infants

City Medical Center announced today that it has perfected a surgery that has a 100% success rate in preventing the sexual abuse of babies by their mothers at the time of birth. For millennia, mothers have routinely had sexual intercourse with infants during the primitive and animalistic process of "vaginal childbirth", a euphemism for having the baby's entire body pass through the mother's vagina. Most mothers downplay the sexuality of this act by pretending that "it hurts like hell". But as any birth photographer can tell you, it's an orgasmic experience. As such, it should be outlawed, especially now that we have a safe* readily available alternative -- surgery. From now on, no new baby should ever have to suffer the disgrace and humiliation of being born into the world like an animal.

Martha, a mother of three and resident of Metropolis, says this about the surgery.
"I had my first two babies vaginally, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. I mean, the births went well, and I was up and walking around right afterward, but clearly it was sexual abuse. I mean, I totally fell madly passionately in love with my babies, and everyone knows that's just not normal. My last was breech, and hospital policy forced me to have a cesarean. My baby had some breathing problems after the birth and he had to stay in the newborn intensive care. I wasn't allowed to hold him or nurse him until he was several days old. I know now that it's just not normal to be passionately in love with a baby."

* The surgery, which is completely safe, has only these small minor risks:
Cesarean birth is major surgery. The estimated risk of a woman dying after a cesarean birth is less than one in 2,500 (the risk of death after a vaginal birth is less than one in 10,000). So, you're only 4 times more likely to die with c-sections than with "vaginal childbirth". That's a small price to pay to avoid humiliating your baby, don't you think?

Some other insignificant and totally worth it risks for the mother include infection of the uterus, bladder or kidneys, massive blood lossbreahting problems, longer hospital stay and recovery time, reactions to anesthesia, and the need for additional surgeries such as hysterectomy, bladder repair, etc.
The baby has some risks, as well. Those risks include premature birth (often the due date was not accurately calculated, and the baby is delivered too early), breathing problems, fetal injury (Surgeons sometimes cut the baby while making the uterine incision).

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